The things I've taken from you

Walking around with a #20 vest on is the best way to describe how it's been lately. I can't tell if it's made me stronger or slower. I know what I need to do and should be doing but I just can't get myself to take those steps. There's few I've made, reluctantly but they've been made and I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not. I just keep telling myself it needs to be September already or something, some time far from here so I won't feel like I do right now.
For starters I've taken the notion of caring what you think out of the equation which has made things somewhat easier to decide if I do them or not. Will you care or not. Will you say anything or not. Will you see or not. As I start to sort what matters and what doesn't, what to pick up and what to toss. There are some things that will be kept. Things that will make me think of you but in time these things will become my things and the feel of you and us doing them together and being our thing will fade.
There are many things I will keep that was us but these are the list toppers:

• listening to country music and actually liking it
• how I fold my shirts
• peeling a banana from the bottom instead of the top
• having popcorn for dinner
• brushing my teeth at night
• get better at shuffle board and pool and country dancing

Thinking of things there are some that I don't think I'll be able to share with anyone else

• washing each others hair
• calling you babe for no reason at all
• being the little spoon and laying my arm out by yours so you can hold my hand 

These things I think will be our things forever. 

What I mean when I say

It's inevitable I get an opportunity to really express my thoughts only to dwell on them for days thinking I should have said this or done that. I shouldn't of just walked by and ignored him. I should have given him a wave or flashed a smile but it's hard to show someone that your fine when your a total wreck when you run into them. A thought just came to mind about all this... Maybe all these things I wish I did or said aren't meant to be done. If they were going to have the effect I wanted them to then they would've came to mind and right outta my mouth. But living with that what if consumes me entirely. To the point where I don't eat, can't sleep. I'm constantly living in that day, or hour or 2 seconds wondering if I'd done something different would I be where I am right now. But I am where I am and now is the time to mend and be resilient. I've said to some before that I don't want to have control. Most of the joy we get out of things is that feeling of risk we take not knowing when or where we end up. There's times when you know in your bones where you will end you just have to do your part and hold on during the journey getting there. And I feel like I"m doing just that. Nauseous and white knuckled praying it ends before I vomit all over everyone.

For all the times I wished I said what I really wanted, what I really meant when I could only say happy birthday...

For weeks I had been thinking what kind of awesome surprise I could get over on my babe that would make him feel extra loved on his day. Here is what I'd bought so far. Happy Birthday.