It's inevitable I get an opportunity to really express my thoughts only to dwell on them for days thinking I should have said this or done that. I shouldn't of just walked by and ignored him. I should have given him a wave or flashed a smile but it's hard to show someone that your fine when your a total wreck when you run into them. A thought just came to mind about all this... Maybe all these things I wish I did or said aren't meant to be done. If they were going to have the effect I wanted them to then they would've came to mind and right outta my mouth. But living with that what if consumes me entirely. To the point where I don't eat, can't sleep. I'm constantly living in that day, or hour or 2 seconds wondering if I'd done something different would I be where I am right now. But I am where I am and now is the time to mend and be resilient. I've said to some before that I don't want to have control. Most of the joy we get out of things is that feeling of risk we take not knowing when or where we end up. There's times when you know in your bones where you will end you just have to do your part and hold on during the journey getting there. And I feel like I"m doing just that. Nauseous and white knuckled praying it ends before I vomit all over everyone.
For all the times I wished I said what I really wanted, what I really meant when I could only say happy birthday...
For weeks I had been thinking what kind of awesome surprise I could get over on my babe that would make him feel extra loved on his day. Here is what I'd bought so far. Happy Birthday.
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