Rose tinted lenses

After a breakup there's always that time when I do self searching and reflect on what happened. What didn't happen. Now that I'm out of the situation what did I not see that was staring me right in the face. Most of the time... okay the last two relationships I've been in I felt there was. I work that needed to be done on my part. I was blameless. I was the victim and was the perfect partner. For those who know who these two are you'd probably agree with that statement. But here lately I've found holes in my thinking. Confession time here. I need to go back and take some of the blame but not for reasons I'm sure those guys are thinking. I picked up a book I've been meaning to read for the past few years. Call it pride or timing I'm not sure which I never took the time to purchase and sit and read. Last week while waiting for the employee at half price books to tally up how much I'd get back for selling them my books I wondered the store. I always look at cooking books. Knitting books. And sometimes the culture section. I just love the smell of books. You'd think bath and body works would come out with a candle by now. Anyway, I was yet again at that time in my relationship where I needed help. Things weren't well and I needed insight. I looked to see if they had the book. To my surprise they did and hardcover at that for half the price I'd seen it at a regular book store. I came home that night and began to read into how I was going to fix our problem so we can be happy again. Or at least read it and see that I needed to calm down and stop being a stupid girl and reading into everything he does. 

The deeper I got into the book the more I began to realize a mans actions and that despite my efforts to bring us closer I was making things worse. I immeadiately started to change my actions which calmed my feelings and I began to think about things between us in a better light. Just as I told him all the time, things aren't always about him and he knows I care for him but he's not all I talk about. I also had to see that things he did and didn't do were not about me. And that I need to not take this all personally. Reading tonight I had one a-ha moment after another. I get this urgency inside to want to try again. People say things they don't mean and sometimes they say things wrong because they are not in tune with describing what they feel correctly, they read their own emotions wrong and make decisions they later regret. I recently described my relationship to a cake. Friendship is the cake and the icing is the relationship. He felt we did things backwards and wanted a friendship with me. Which I can't really undo feelings so that can't happen. And I felt that even though we were friends to begin with really it didn't mean we couldn't gain that in our situation now. It happens all the time. And then tonight the thought occurred to me...cream filled doughnuts. Which are his favorite and wish I'd thought about this when we talked. It's possible to have your cream filled cake and eat it too. Pretty much this whole book is on communication and I pointed this out to him. If I'd known about this book earlier I would've pointed it out to the last guy too. I'd gained the trust in my relationship to talk without a filter and fearlessly. It was a relief. It was an amazing feeling I'd never had before to not hold my tongue or stray away from certain topics. But what I didn't do was communicate tactfully.  It's almost like translating a sentence from one language to another. Nouns are all over the place or verbs left at the end. Reading it makes no sense but to someone else it makes perfect sense. Tonight I learned that I was on the right path I just needed to form my sentences differently. With a different approach they have a whole new meaning and result in a better outcome for both people. And the same goes for me. As much as I was dying to listen and be there and be a support I was going about it all wrong. Tonight's chapter I got into was the biggest a-ha moment of all. Reading it brought a huge smile to my face. I love when I discover something awesome. He's the first person I want to run to and tell. He'll laugh at my excitement over the smallest things in life but what it's really about is not me being excited but my excitement bringing a smile and a chuckle out of him. His happiness brought me happiness. So of course I'm reading all this goodness and all I want to do is drive over there and tell him. But I can't. It's something he has to want on his own and either figure it out on his own or seek it out from me or someone else. 

I've got these awesome new shades that I see the same thing differently. It's awesome. I love it. Now if only my partner could find his new shades too.