Let the doors of life be open

Women's intuition is a marvelous thing. It can also be a curse. But in the end what it tells us keeps us safe. In the past I would listen but never act on it. I've learned to take my own guts advice even if it's something I don't want to do. Because in the end I will be better for it. With the season changing other things in my life are changing and for the better because I listened to myself.
Things are different yet the same. I love it. I feel my past is repeating itself. The same story but the character names have been changed to protect their identity.... It's weird. It's as if I'm in a dream. I know what's going to happen based on what's happened before. I'm excited. But do I keep this to myself? If I share this parallel life do over I feel I'm experiencing will it ruin it? Maybe if I don't share with those involved. And really with as much as I like to talk there's a good chance those involved will get the clue.
I'm seeing this as a chance to do things right. I'm older, wiser, more intuitive. And this time I'm not trying to work my magic like I always have in the past that as you can see got me nowhere. I'm learning that I can't make things go the way I want them to when I want them to. I want someone to be their own person and if I go trying to make them do things then they aren't themselves anymore. And what fun is that?...no fun!
It's a work in progress but I'm learning to be more open and not afraid. How can I expect them to be open and be a tell all to to me when I'm not the same to them? I need to not be afraid to tell my thoughts for feelings whether they be good or bad. From my previous post I decided to talk to them about it. And wouldn't ya know they were accepting and happy that I came to them with this. The issue was discussed and all continues to be right with the world. It's an incredible feeling when things go right and when they go right by both parties. That feeling that I felt I had lost is somehow finding it's way back into my heart.

I know

I hate when I come across something I'm not supposed to. That punch in the stomach it gives you. And then there's the dilemma of telling this person. Is it worth it? Will it cause a fight? A fight not even worth having? By not saying something does it make me look like a weak person? Because really I probably wasn't supposed to ever find out about this. And really is it what I think it is? But in my mind there's nothing else it could be. I'm still going back and forth on if it should be brought up. But my heart says to let it go. What was done was done and can't be undone. They both will have to live with that one. And I shouldn't jump into that hole they share. It looks dark and not fun. I'd rather be on the surface in the sunshine where it's fun and happy. I had all the intentions in the world to bring it up last night. I've thought a lot on what I would even say.

While you were gone I came across this... I don't want to know when or what happened or why it could possibly be there. It was a hurtful thing to find and looking back at recent encounters I had it all made sense. I had thought it was because of what you told me but now I'm seeing it was what you didn't tell me that makes her act the way she does around me. Of course the argument will be that I have no grounds for being upset because we weren't anything at the time. All I need to know is that it's over and she knows it's over and that it's a line that is to never be crossed again. 

 But I woke up this morning and decided that I need to be the better person here and not let this get between us. I need to learn my lesson from past situations. There's a reason I'm where I'm at again and I need to see it as such. I don't need to go digging in the past, a pretty recent past, but the past nonetheless. And that's where it should stay.

Smarter than your average gal

So yes again I was reading tonight. And finished the chapter on how men are like rubber bands.  I turn the page and what's the next chapter? Women are like waves what?! A conversation I was having with a guy this past week I told him he confused me with this back and forth business. Him going back and forth made my emotions go up and down. I don't think I did the motions for mine but I showed him with my hands moving my hand from left to right. Later talking with a co worker I said how he was that way and I was this way and I moved my hand up and down and that's why I got the book so I could better understand it all and see that it happens but knowing why it happens makes me feel better. I would get sad and worried when I wouldn't hear from him for a while. I'd finally talk to him a day or so later and hearing him and knowing that he was there and not gone from me I felt instantly better and was no longer upset. Before reading this book I was trying to give this guy space. I was unkowingly allowing him to stretch like a runner band and come back without me getting mad at him for leaving and tying to not let him go or anything. It's good to know my intuition on things was correct. Maybe I'm not bad at relationships as I thought. I just get partners that aren't good at it.

Rose tinted lenses

After a breakup there's always that time when I do self searching and reflect on what happened. What didn't happen. Now that I'm out of the situation what did I not see that was staring me right in the face. Most of the time... okay the last two relationships I've been in I felt there was. I work that needed to be done on my part. I was blameless. I was the victim and was the perfect partner. For those who know who these two are you'd probably agree with that statement. But here lately I've found holes in my thinking. Confession time here. I need to go back and take some of the blame but not for reasons I'm sure those guys are thinking. I picked up a book I've been meaning to read for the past few years. Call it pride or timing I'm not sure which I never took the time to purchase and sit and read. Last week while waiting for the employee at half price books to tally up how much I'd get back for selling them my books I wondered the store. I always look at cooking books. Knitting books. And sometimes the culture section. I just love the smell of books. You'd think bath and body works would come out with a candle by now. Anyway, I was yet again at that time in my relationship where I needed help. Things weren't well and I needed insight. I looked to see if they had the book. To my surprise they did and hardcover at that for half the price I'd seen it at a regular book store. I came home that night and began to read into how I was going to fix our problem so we can be happy again. Or at least read it and see that I needed to calm down and stop being a stupid girl and reading into everything he does. 

The deeper I got into the book the more I began to realize a mans actions and that despite my efforts to bring us closer I was making things worse. I immeadiately started to change my actions which calmed my feelings and I began to think about things between us in a better light. Just as I told him all the time, things aren't always about him and he knows I care for him but he's not all I talk about. I also had to see that things he did and didn't do were not about me. And that I need to not take this all personally. Reading tonight I had one a-ha moment after another. I get this urgency inside to want to try again. People say things they don't mean and sometimes they say things wrong because they are not in tune with describing what they feel correctly, they read their own emotions wrong and make decisions they later regret. I recently described my relationship to a cake. Friendship is the cake and the icing is the relationship. He felt we did things backwards and wanted a friendship with me. Which I can't really undo feelings so that can't happen. And I felt that even though we were friends to begin with really it didn't mean we couldn't gain that in our situation now. It happens all the time. And then tonight the thought occurred to me...cream filled doughnuts. Which are his favorite and wish I'd thought about this when we talked. It's possible to have your cream filled cake and eat it too. Pretty much this whole book is on communication and I pointed this out to him. If I'd known about this book earlier I would've pointed it out to the last guy too. I'd gained the trust in my relationship to talk without a filter and fearlessly. It was a relief. It was an amazing feeling I'd never had before to not hold my tongue or stray away from certain topics. But what I didn't do was communicate tactfully.  It's almost like translating a sentence from one language to another. Nouns are all over the place or verbs left at the end. Reading it makes no sense but to someone else it makes perfect sense. Tonight I learned that I was on the right path I just needed to form my sentences differently. With a different approach they have a whole new meaning and result in a better outcome for both people. And the same goes for me. As much as I was dying to listen and be there and be a support I was going about it all wrong. Tonight's chapter I got into was the biggest a-ha moment of all. Reading it brought a huge smile to my face. I love when I discover something awesome. He's the first person I want to run to and tell. He'll laugh at my excitement over the smallest things in life but what it's really about is not me being excited but my excitement bringing a smile and a chuckle out of him. His happiness brought me happiness. So of course I'm reading all this goodness and all I want to do is drive over there and tell him. But I can't. It's something he has to want on his own and either figure it out on his own or seek it out from me or someone else. 

I've got these awesome new shades that I see the same thing differently. It's awesome. I love it. Now if only my partner could find his new shades too. 

Rules Shmules

I almost broke my own rule last night. And I sometimes think that some rules were meant to be broken. To prove a point. To prove that you mean more to me than rules. That place we used to go to I need to be back there. And not for a long time. Not forever. Just an hour or something like that. I need to be reminded of what it feels like to be noticed. Admired. Cared for. Confided in.

The things I've taken from you

Walking around with a #20 vest on is the best way to describe how it's been lately. I can't tell if it's made me stronger or slower. I know what I need to do and should be doing but I just can't get myself to take those steps. There's few I've made, reluctantly but they've been made and I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not. I just keep telling myself it needs to be September already or something, some time far from here so I won't feel like I do right now.
For starters I've taken the notion of caring what you think out of the equation which has made things somewhat easier to decide if I do them or not. Will you care or not. Will you say anything or not. Will you see or not. As I start to sort what matters and what doesn't, what to pick up and what to toss. There are some things that will be kept. Things that will make me think of you but in time these things will become my things and the feel of you and us doing them together and being our thing will fade.
There are many things I will keep that was us but these are the list toppers:

• listening to country music and actually liking it
• how I fold my shirts
• peeling a banana from the bottom instead of the top
• having popcorn for dinner
• brushing my teeth at night
• get better at shuffle board and pool and country dancing

Thinking of things there are some that I don't think I'll be able to share with anyone else

• washing each others hair
• calling you babe for no reason at all
• being the little spoon and laying my arm out by yours so you can hold my hand 

These things I think will be our things forever. 

What I mean when I say

It's inevitable I get an opportunity to really express my thoughts only to dwell on them for days thinking I should have said this or done that. I shouldn't of just walked by and ignored him. I should have given him a wave or flashed a smile but it's hard to show someone that your fine when your a total wreck when you run into them. A thought just came to mind about all this... Maybe all these things I wish I did or said aren't meant to be done. If they were going to have the effect I wanted them to then they would've came to mind and right outta my mouth. But living with that what if consumes me entirely. To the point where I don't eat, can't sleep. I'm constantly living in that day, or hour or 2 seconds wondering if I'd done something different would I be where I am right now. But I am where I am and now is the time to mend and be resilient. I've said to some before that I don't want to have control. Most of the joy we get out of things is that feeling of risk we take not knowing when or where we end up. There's times when you know in your bones where you will end you just have to do your part and hold on during the journey getting there. And I feel like I"m doing just that. Nauseous and white knuckled praying it ends before I vomit all over everyone.

For all the times I wished I said what I really wanted, what I really meant when I could only say happy birthday...

For weeks I had been thinking what kind of awesome surprise I could get over on my babe that would make him feel extra loved on his day. Here is what I'd bought so far. Happy Birthday.