Smarter than your average gal

So yes again I was reading tonight. And finished the chapter on how men are like rubber bands.  I turn the page and what's the next chapter? Women are like waves what?! A conversation I was having with a guy this past week I told him he confused me with this back and forth business. Him going back and forth made my emotions go up and down. I don't think I did the motions for mine but I showed him with my hands moving my hand from left to right. Later talking with a co worker I said how he was that way and I was this way and I moved my hand up and down and that's why I got the book so I could better understand it all and see that it happens but knowing why it happens makes me feel better. I would get sad and worried when I wouldn't hear from him for a while. I'd finally talk to him a day or so later and hearing him and knowing that he was there and not gone from me I felt instantly better and was no longer upset. Before reading this book I was trying to give this guy space. I was unkowingly allowing him to stretch like a runner band and come back without me getting mad at him for leaving and tying to not let him go or anything. It's good to know my intuition on things was correct. Maybe I'm not bad at relationships as I thought. I just get partners that aren't good at it.

Rose tinted lenses

After a breakup there's always that time when I do self searching and reflect on what happened. What didn't happen. Now that I'm out of the situation what did I not see that was staring me right in the face. Most of the time... okay the last two relationships I've been in I felt there was. I work that needed to be done on my part. I was blameless. I was the victim and was the perfect partner. For those who know who these two are you'd probably agree with that statement. But here lately I've found holes in my thinking. Confession time here. I need to go back and take some of the blame but not for reasons I'm sure those guys are thinking. I picked up a book I've been meaning to read for the past few years. Call it pride or timing I'm not sure which I never took the time to purchase and sit and read. Last week while waiting for the employee at half price books to tally up how much I'd get back for selling them my books I wondered the store. I always look at cooking books. Knitting books. And sometimes the culture section. I just love the smell of books. You'd think bath and body works would come out with a candle by now. Anyway, I was yet again at that time in my relationship where I needed help. Things weren't well and I needed insight. I looked to see if they had the book. To my surprise they did and hardcover at that for half the price I'd seen it at a regular book store. I came home that night and began to read into how I was going to fix our problem so we can be happy again. Or at least read it and see that I needed to calm down and stop being a stupid girl and reading into everything he does. 

The deeper I got into the book the more I began to realize a mans actions and that despite my efforts to bring us closer I was making things worse. I immeadiately started to change my actions which calmed my feelings and I began to think about things between us in a better light. Just as I told him all the time, things aren't always about him and he knows I care for him but he's not all I talk about. I also had to see that things he did and didn't do were not about me. And that I need to not take this all personally. Reading tonight I had one a-ha moment after another. I get this urgency inside to want to try again. People say things they don't mean and sometimes they say things wrong because they are not in tune with describing what they feel correctly, they read their own emotions wrong and make decisions they later regret. I recently described my relationship to a cake. Friendship is the cake and the icing is the relationship. He felt we did things backwards and wanted a friendship with me. Which I can't really undo feelings so that can't happen. And I felt that even though we were friends to begin with really it didn't mean we couldn't gain that in our situation now. It happens all the time. And then tonight the thought occurred to me...cream filled doughnuts. Which are his favorite and wish I'd thought about this when we talked. It's possible to have your cream filled cake and eat it too. Pretty much this whole book is on communication and I pointed this out to him. If I'd known about this book earlier I would've pointed it out to the last guy too. I'd gained the trust in my relationship to talk without a filter and fearlessly. It was a relief. It was an amazing feeling I'd never had before to not hold my tongue or stray away from certain topics. But what I didn't do was communicate tactfully.  It's almost like translating a sentence from one language to another. Nouns are all over the place or verbs left at the end. Reading it makes no sense but to someone else it makes perfect sense. Tonight I learned that I was on the right path I just needed to form my sentences differently. With a different approach they have a whole new meaning and result in a better outcome for both people. And the same goes for me. As much as I was dying to listen and be there and be a support I was going about it all wrong. Tonight's chapter I got into was the biggest a-ha moment of all. Reading it brought a huge smile to my face. I love when I discover something awesome. He's the first person I want to run to and tell. He'll laugh at my excitement over the smallest things in life but what it's really about is not me being excited but my excitement bringing a smile and a chuckle out of him. His happiness brought me happiness. So of course I'm reading all this goodness and all I want to do is drive over there and tell him. But I can't. It's something he has to want on his own and either figure it out on his own or seek it out from me or someone else. 

I've got these awesome new shades that I see the same thing differently. It's awesome. I love it. Now if only my partner could find his new shades too. 

Rules Shmules

I almost broke my own rule last night. And I sometimes think that some rules were meant to be broken. To prove a point. To prove that you mean more to me than rules. That place we used to go to I need to be back there. And not for a long time. Not forever. Just an hour or something like that. I need to be reminded of what it feels like to be noticed. Admired. Cared for. Confided in.

The things I've taken from you

Walking around with a #20 vest on is the best way to describe how it's been lately. I can't tell if it's made me stronger or slower. I know what I need to do and should be doing but I just can't get myself to take those steps. There's few I've made, reluctantly but they've been made and I don't know if that's the right thing to do or not. I just keep telling myself it needs to be September already or something, some time far from here so I won't feel like I do right now.
For starters I've taken the notion of caring what you think out of the equation which has made things somewhat easier to decide if I do them or not. Will you care or not. Will you say anything or not. Will you see or not. As I start to sort what matters and what doesn't, what to pick up and what to toss. There are some things that will be kept. Things that will make me think of you but in time these things will become my things and the feel of you and us doing them together and being our thing will fade.
There are many things I will keep that was us but these are the list toppers:

• listening to country music and actually liking it
• how I fold my shirts
• peeling a banana from the bottom instead of the top
• having popcorn for dinner
• brushing my teeth at night
• get better at shuffle board and pool and country dancing

Thinking of things there are some that I don't think I'll be able to share with anyone else

• washing each others hair
• calling you babe for no reason at all
• being the little spoon and laying my arm out by yours so you can hold my hand 

These things I think will be our things forever. 

What I mean when I say

It's inevitable I get an opportunity to really express my thoughts only to dwell on them for days thinking I should have said this or done that. I shouldn't of just walked by and ignored him. I should have given him a wave or flashed a smile but it's hard to show someone that your fine when your a total wreck when you run into them. A thought just came to mind about all this... Maybe all these things I wish I did or said aren't meant to be done. If they were going to have the effect I wanted them to then they would've came to mind and right outta my mouth. But living with that what if consumes me entirely. To the point where I don't eat, can't sleep. I'm constantly living in that day, or hour or 2 seconds wondering if I'd done something different would I be where I am right now. But I am where I am and now is the time to mend and be resilient. I've said to some before that I don't want to have control. Most of the joy we get out of things is that feeling of risk we take not knowing when or where we end up. There's times when you know in your bones where you will end you just have to do your part and hold on during the journey getting there. And I feel like I"m doing just that. Nauseous and white knuckled praying it ends before I vomit all over everyone.

For all the times I wished I said what I really wanted, what I really meant when I could only say happy birthday...

For weeks I had been thinking what kind of awesome surprise I could get over on my babe that would make him feel extra loved on his day. Here is what I'd bought so far. Happy Birthday.

It's here again

The World Cup is upon us and I can't be more excited. I"ll be honest and tell you that I do not know all the rules but I still love to watch. Opening game against Brazil and Croatia was amazing. I would give just about anything to have been in that stadium during the opening ceremony and the game. Last night was USA v Ghana which we are in a pretty rough group from what I've learned and will have to work hard to make it. USA did just that scoring in the first minute and keeping them off till almost the end of the game. The whole game I was yelling at the tv. When the game was over the crowd erupted! I wouldn't be lying if I said I almost cried. In my battle for sleep I've been having this past month I decided to try and watch this documentary over Egypt and their road to the World Cup. Their coach was none other than the USMNT previous coach Bob Bradley. I only made it through the first 20 minutes before I had to turn it off to try and make myself go to sleep but just watching how a country can gather around a sport is unreal. I've watched several stories about different countries and their clubs and what an impact they have on them. It's awesome. I've decided. The next World Cup. I will be there. Which according to WWW it will be in Russia. Never been there. So it should be fun. I just have 4 years to try and find a travel buddy or group to go along.

Watching the World Cup and all it's excitement has got me thinking about my life and what I find passionate. I find passion in cooking, especially when it's for someone. In Crossfit, it's silly to say. Last weekend I stayed and did oly work with the Steve Miller and in the one class I learned a lot of good cues and what I need to work on to get my lifts where I want them. It's things like the position of my shoulders over the bar or how fast my third pull is can make a world of a difference. During our work I was doing 3 position drills with 73 lbs and then a few times with 83 which my PR for snatch is 98...clearly I'm off on one of my pulls. So getting a little work on them was fun and seeing that I can do these things and I can lift that weight just like everyone else in the gym. It's a satisfying feeling. In laundry I find passion. I love the smell of clean clothes....and skin but that's not laundry related. Actually I like to smell. It might be my favorite sense besides touch. I take pride in folding clothes and it shows my love, for myself and who ever's clothes I might be folding. I find passion in sharing, my life, my thoughts, fears, goals and space with someone. It's a rare thing to find someone you never tire of seeing or being with. When it changes from a want to a need to be by them. To be able to hold them when the feeling of being with them overwhelms you that you reach out and hold their hand to tell them you are happy they were there right when you needed them at that moment. My new passion which is knitting. I haven't taken much time with it but when I have I love it. It's fun to sit and work on a project for a few hours and be done or work on something for a week. It's another way I feed my caring nature for someone. My projects are never super awesome but they are always made with love and whoever has a scarf I've made them knows it's because I love them and made that specific thing with them in mind. It's a good feeling when I see them wearing it because they know it's especially for them.

When I first started thinking about what passions I carried I was thinking there wouldn't be that many but I have a lot. I'm full of passion to the point where everything I do is for a reason. I never want to do something just because. That's no fun and I won't get that feeling of accomplishment or pride out of it. It's hard sometimes to follow what my passion draws me to because not everyone agrees with what I'm doing or where I'm going. But I blindly follow it. It's there for a reason, it knows more than I do and can see the bigger picture.Knowing my passion will take me where I never thought I'd want to be makes those little hurdles I have with school or fights in a relationship or family drama not such a big deal. It's a time to learn about that person and/or myself and how we can better work together or communicate and rebuild that bond or path to a better one. Just because the path I've chosen isn't what others would have picked for me or isn't the easiest doesn't mean it wasn't meant to be. If everything was easy you wouldn't appreciate it as much when you finally got it.

Do what you love...

With it being graduation season people have been posting this great speech and that great speech. Watching them I've been really moved by what they preach. Now, I'm not sure if it's because of where I'm at in my life that I feel like I'm needing a boost or new direction. Okay maybe not new direction but just a reminder that things happen for a reason and I can't control what or who I want to be in it or when or how long. I have to realize that what I want for myself won't happen overnight or six months from now or even a year but what I have learned is that in 6 months or a year I will be closer to what I want. In years past I've taken everything that has happened to me and treated it as a lesson so I don't repeat it again in my future and be doomed to having to re-learn my lesson all over again and feel that pain again and possibly even more than I did before because I knew what was coming before it happened. But here lately I've been taking things more as experiences and not lessons. It takes two to tango and I can't be the only to bare the lesson. And maybe in situations one person learns a lesson and the other takes it as experience. I'm pretty sure my lesson bucket is almost over flowing and it's time I get to write down some experiences in the books. It's been a crazy year and I feel that this is the first time that I can say I'm not really sad about what has happened. I"m disappointed that's for sure but I have to realize that not everyone I encounter is going to be on my level and understand where I'm at and what I mean and what I expect. They may say they do but they do not. They may have similar experiences but they are not exactly like mine. And they may not be over those experiences or have completely learned the lesson they were to learn from it. It's a shame when you meet someone and you come to that feeling you think they are great and fun but they aren't ready for you and what you have to offer in the game. And they want it, they just don't know how to get it.  It's a hard thing to learn that in order to be happy you have to sometimes let go of those that aren't meant to be there. Or that you need to remove them from the place they used to hold in your life so someone else can be there. And that doesn't just mean a boyfriend or a girlfriend or a friend. It could also be a job.
I am a good person and I am definitely worth someones while. We just maybe haven't crossed paths yet. Or maybe we have they just aren't ready. And I have to be okay with that. In a commencement speech Jim Carrey gave last week he said
 “Now fear is going to be a player in life, but you get to decide how much, you can spend your whole life imagining ghosts, worrying about the pathway to the future, but all it will ever be is what’s happening here, the decisions in that we make in this moment, which are based in either love or fear. So many of us choose our path out of fear disguised as practicality. What we really want seems impossibly out of reach and ridiculous to expect, so we never dare to ask the universe for it." 
Which is totally true. I worry about how I'm going to get there or when. I need to live in the now and enjoy the experiences I make along the way. Those experiences gained is what's going to make finally getting there so much more awesome. I have no doubt I'll eventually get to where I'm going I just need to see these hurdles as just hurdles and not road blocks. This new view has completely changed my outlook on what I've been going through and made it much easier to deal with. That's not to say that it's been a breeze but I'm able to look at it and see that there's nothing I could have done to change that persons mind or heart. It just happened. And maybe in the future we'll cross paths again and maybe then we will both be in the right place in our lives to welcome someone into our hearts. Until then I'm not going to sit and wait. I have a life that needs to be filled with excitement and adventure. And because they are dealing with the struggle doesn't mean I need to create my own struggle in waiting for them. 
In another commencement speech it talked about life lessons and how one small thing can turn into big things. Small habits I have tried to pick up and start that will make a morning good, then a successful workday to a blissful weekend. This repeated over and over will turn into one rad life and it all started with that one good habit I started in the mornings. It's exciting to feel as if I'm really growing up and knowing who I am and what positive light I can bring to those around me. If I want to be surrounded by good fun loving people then I need to be that for them. Be what you want to see in the world. If I'm great then great things will come to me. I just have to ask. 

Jim Carrey Commencement at MUM 2014

Naval Adm. William H. McRaven, BJ '77, ninth commander of U.S.Special Operations Command, Texas Exes Life Member, and Distinguished Alumnus. University-Wide Commencement The University of Texas at Austin 2014